Letting It Go and Keeping Your Sanity
I am so bad at being out of control. I’m a first born. And a Leo. And an INFJ. So perfectionism runs DEEP in my blood. I demand the best from myself and I deliver. I’ve learned to depend on myself, because at the end of the day, I’m all I’ve got.
And yet.
This is a really unhealthy way to live, long term. Asking for help is hard for me. And not having all my ducks in a row is stressful.
Right now my ducks are waddling all over the damn place.
When I was married to my abuser he regularly told me that I would never amount to anything. No one outside of our small, insular circle would love me. I wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t brave enough. And at the same time I was always too loud, too much, too curious, too too too.
I’ve learned enough now to know he was dead wrong. People do love me, and I love them. And I am braver and stronger and smarter than I ever thought. So, I began to dream a dream I barely even could imagine back then. I knew deep inside that my empathetic, care-giving soul needed a career for the rest of its life that would nourish me. So, I decided to become a nurse.
I went back to college at the age of 46. The first night of my first class as I was sitting in my car in the parking deck, I was panicking big time. My brain was SHOUTING “Go home. What are doing? You can’t do this!” But, I told myself, “Walking into that classroom tonight is the hardest moment and then it’s over. After that moment, the unknown is known, and you can handle this. Just walk in there.” So I did. And you know what? I immediately met girls I’m still friends with two years later.
I knew that getting into Kennesaw State’s nursing program was a HUGE mountain to climb. I didn’t know if I could do it! The last time I was in college, #1. I was an English major and #2. it was 1993. Did I still have the brains and guts and know how?
*spoiler alert*
I did. And I do.
For the last four semesters I’ve worked harder than I ever have in my entire life. Except for one B+ in Chemistry, I’ve gotten straight A’s. I scored really well on my TEAS exam. And I applied to nursing school in January.
And now….I wait. I SUCK at waiting. Those ducks? I really, really need them to shut up, quit quacking and running around, and get in a straight line! The hard work doesn’t scare me. But leaving it all on the floor and then……just waiting? That’s hard.
I don’t really have any answers to this. So, sorry if you were waiting for the way I wrapped this all up neatly and told you THIS is how you let things go and relax! Yeah, I have no clue.
I just know this.
I’ve done my best, and can I really ask for anything more than that?
I sacrificed my sleep, my time with friends, my time with my family, my free time, and definitely some Sundays I wanted to be watching football. But I did my best. I just keep reminding myself of that. And I do yoga. And I take walks. And I watch crime documentaries. And do my homework with a little less frenzied intensity this semester. And take bubble baths. And watch football and basketball. And drink wine. And take the dog to the park.
And wait and wait and wait…..
I believe that good things are gonna happen. I have to believe that. And my dreams are going to come true, not by magic, but from my hard work. And even if they don’t happen in exactly the way or timeline that I hope for, they’re still gonna happen.
Because one thing I DON’T doubt anymore? Is my ability to accomplish what I put my mind to.
And so. I wait. And I breathe. And, I wait……
